When we found out we were having a boy, I can’t say we weren’t a little extra excited. Having a daughter at home already, we already told ourselves we didn’t care if we had another girl. We only wanted a healthy baby. My husband even made a joke that he even saw himself being a ‘girl dad’. So, as we left the ultrasound appointment that confirmed our second born would be a boy, we had this feeling of completeness.
In person and in pictures, people would joke that we looked like typical American family. Mom, Dad, blonde-haired, blue-eyed daughter on Dad’s hip, and dark-haired, blue-eyed son in Mom’s arms. For almost a full year after I had my son, I told people there was no question we were done with kids.
Then, one day it hit me. Maybe it was because my son was starting to get out of his baby phase, maybe it was because I was starting to finally feel like myself again, or maybe it had something to do with all my friends getting pregnant again. I never really took in my pregnancy with my son as my last pregnancy. I never really took in his infancy, although tiresome, as the last time I would have an infant. Suddenly, I was sad and felt unsure.
My 100% surety that we were done with kids became a 99/1 ratio. As days passed, I felt that ratio start to widen a bit more to 95/5. When it got to 90/10, I decided to bring it up to my husband.
To say he was surprised was an understatement but he got it. He said there were times he looked at our son too and couldn’t believe how quickly he had grown and felt a tinge of sadness that we are done with kids. But, he said that tinge of sadness quickly faded when he remembered how exhausted we were in those early months. He also comes from a very rational school of thought. He wants to make sure what we feel we can provide for our first child, we can provide for all our children. He’s an Engineer, so everything is a thought out process.
I knew it was possible I was glorifying the idea of enjoying my last pregnancy in my head. Let’s be honest. My pregnancies haven’t been a walk in the park. It’s hard for me to get pregnant. I have crazy mood swings. And most of all, I never make it to full-term without going onto bed rest because of my high blood pressure, then being induced early because of my preeclampsia. Again, I just think because I never really grasped that my son might be my last pregnancy, my last baby, did I really take it all in.
My son is now almost two-years-old and we still haven’t made a final decision. If you ask us together, our answers come out very differntly. My husband is a straight ‘no’ but gives this look to me like he is ready for my answer to be the determining factor. I stutter a bit and usually come up with an ‘I don’t know’. Because I don’t. I hope there will be a day or even a moment that will come through and hit me again and I’ll just know. Here’s holding onto hope.
For now, for our family… to three or not to three, that is the question.